Called Out In Kansas

Recently Dan over at Ekklesia in Southern Maine (SoMe Ekklesia) had a series of posts on depression: This Is Serious, Through: Not Out and Clarity. The series ended up sparking an in depth discussion of depression, especially as it pertains to Christians, that had commenters from many sides of the issue. I intended to write a comprehensive comment that communicated my thoughts after reading the posts and the comments, but I got so comprehensive that it took up 5 pages in my word processor! So, I decided to post an abbreviated version on his site, and the full version here, so as not to overwhelm his readers. I apologize in advance for the length of this posts, weighing in at over 3,000 words.

The topic of depression is very weighty, and very complicated. As has been stated commenters at SoMe Ekklesia, I think the topic of depression will never be fully understood by mankind. The interactions between body, soul and spirit are so complicated that I just don’t think one can make blanket, across-the-board generalizations that are 100% accurate. I do have opinions that, from my experience, seem generally correct based on the vast majority of patients I have seen, and also based on my own personal experience. However, this is based on MY experience personally and as a clinician, and therefore may not hold for each individual. Please read the entire article, as the end of the article explains further some things stated in brief earlier on, and the last thing I want is to bring hurt or offense, as can be easy to do with such a personal, charged subject.

Having said that, my experience has brought me to the opinion that much of mental illness that we see today is environmental in nature. By this I mean that a person’s past experiences determine a lot about their present condition, for good or bad. The resultant emotions, etc. invoked by these experiences can be complicated, conflicting and often times masked, so that even if one can identify an inciting event to a lot of the issues, bringing resolution to those issues isn’t automatic. It takes time, oftentimes a skilled counselor, and often a willingness to go through emotional pain to get to the issues at hand. Regarding the arguments for a physical cause of depression I will say the following: I believe that there may be a genetic predisposition to mental illness, including depression. If that is the case, one’s environment can either bring out that tendency, or prevent the expression of that tendency. I will not rule out, however, the possibility that one’s depression could possibly be purely genetic, and not environmental at all, but IMHO this would be the exception and not the rule. Regarding imaging tests that are different in those suffering from depression, etc., I think the question that needs asked is “which came first the chicken or the egg”. Is brain function or structure different and that caused the depression, or did the depression bring about chemical changes in the brain, which then caused the imaging differences? I lean towards the latter, personally.

Let me paint a picture for you. I like two things as analogies for depression. The first was offered by Bobby in a comment on Dan’s site, where he compared depression to a tube of toothpaste. I believe that the human psyche was only built to handle a certain amount of pressure, and each individual’s threshold is different. Once we get squeezed hard enough, the stuffing comes out, so to speak. This may manifest itself as depression, anxiety or even low back pain or other problems. Conversion disorder is a classic example of this. I saw a case of it in medical school, where a young lady presented to the ER with every sign and symptom of an acute stroke, only the MRI was negative and the neurologist couldn’t identify a physical cause. Turns out, when she slept she would move all extremities, but when awake she was unable to. It also turns out she was going through some marital or other difficulties, and this is how her mind “blew off steam” so to speak. Everybody has a pressure relief valve, but the manifestation of that is different from person to person. I have recognized a pattern in my own life that when I begin to feel anxious or depressed I have to look for the point of conflict. For me it usually comes down to an area where I am trying to be self-sufficient, or bucking against a circumstance I don’t like, instead of relying on His supply and understanding that His grace is sufficient for me (like Paul and his thorn). I have also realized that my “relief valve”, or physical manifestation of being overwhelmed, is fatigue, enough that at one point I was convinced I had sleep apnea (which I didn’t).

The second analogy I like is to a Rubik’s Cube. A life in perfect harmony is like a completed Rubik’s Cube. Add one twist, and it may be easy enough to get back into perfection. Add one twist on top of another, and it gets more complicated. Add a third on top of that and its worse. By the time you twist the cube 5-6 times or more it becomes more difficult to even see where things went wrong, and next thing you know you don’t know up from down, left from right, truth from lies. The result can be a life lived in total fear and confusion, because all orientation is lost. Of course a twist on the cube would be analogous to an insult to the psyche. It could be abuse as a child, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or even just normal life circumstances (having a baby, a new job, moving to a new location, etc.) Add multiple insults on top of each other and the end result can get scary. The more disorganized the Rubik’s cube, the more complicated the presentation of the mental illness, so that what was once just mild depression becomes severe depression, and then maybe a personality disorder, or bipolar disorder, or others. Now, I realize that this may be an over-simplification of this topic, and that it doesn’t fit every circumstance, but I think as a general rule, at least in my experience, it is a fairly accurate model.

In discussing physical versus environmental causes of depression, one might ask what it matters which one it is. I think the question is important. In a previous comment on Dan’s site Bobby made the observation that the enemy uses the idea of mental illness as a physical ailment to keep believers in bondage. I wholeheartedly agree, and have previously witnessed that exact thing. If I view my depression to be largely environmental I may have hope that those environmental issues can be addressed and my condition improved if not cured. If my depression is viewed as a medical illness, like diabetes, then I consign myself to living with it the rest of my life, thus removing a great deal of hope. Now certainly we can have hope of His provision in the midst of any physical ailment, and depression would be no different. However, I would rather trust in Him to see me out of the depression than to live the rest of my life with it, even if He does sustain me through it. In my opinion, much of the mental illness that I see is very treatable, with hope for full resolution in Christ. This is not to say that treatment is a simple process, as usually it is not. More about treatment in a bit.

There are varying degrees of depression, obviously. Although the DSM V gives strict criteria for the definition of different mood disorders, I see depression as more of a spectrum, ranging from mild to severe, but with no clear dividing line between a)depressive symptoms that aren’t true depression and b)true depression itself. In other words, depression is not as easy to quantify as a heart attack. Now, I am sure the DSM V has all of this mapped out and organized, but that is a topic for later. At the higher end of the severity scale, I personally think that another issue comes into play, and that is spiritual oppression. I strongly believe that the enemy uses our thoughts and emotions against us, and when these things get out of control that may be a sign that there is more at work than just plain depression, or more than just our own illogical emotions. I do believe there is a spiritual battle that goes on for our minds, as the enemy does not want us to reach our full potential in Christ. The closer he sees us getting to making a change the harder he fights us, which is why the battle is always fiercest before the victory (or the night is darkest before the dawn).

Depression among believers is really my pet topic. The sad truth is that many of us have grown up in a system where being depressed is not an option. Being depressed is a sign of spiritual weakness, or a lack of faith, etc., and therefore we strive to prove to others, and often ourselves, that we are fine. As has been mentioned previously, the typical Christian response is to point a finger, or give simple platitudes, that aren’t helpful at all, and in fact bring greater shame and depression to the individual already suffering. What the depressed person REALLY needs to hear is “I understand because I have been there as well.” Unfortunately, though, Christians are not very good at being real with God, with ourselves, or with our brothers and sisters around us. We tend to not be very transparent. As I look back on my journey out of depression, I see that my church upbringing (charismatic) directly worsened my already underlying depression, because I never could measure up to what I thought I needed to. Interestingly, the more my mind was cleansed from the stench of “church” the more my depression cleared. The more of the truth of Christ I saw, the more healthy I became. I can point to others that are close to me that were harmed by the system more than I was. As Christians we need to feel free to JUST BE!!! Its okay if I am depressed. It doesn’t devalue me. It doesn’t hamper the Lord’s ability to work in my life. It doesn’t make me a second rate kingdom citizen. It doesn’t make me weak (although if we take it as an opportunity to BE weak, we might actually find HIS strength in us). We must be able to LET God accept us where we are, be content to be there for the time being, while still looking forward to our deliverance (more on that in a bit). We must be able to find His help for us, in the midst of our depression (as Dan has stressed in his posts).

Finally I would like to talk about treatment of depression, just briefly. For many people that I see, medication would be harmful, analogous to putting a bandaid over a wound that will never heal, and not treating the wound. If we fully mask the symptoms it makes it harder to get at the root of the problem. For others, medication is a necessary modality, to lighten the severity of the depression sufficiently to allow the person to concentrate on the issues at hand and make progress. So, I do not see medication usage as a sign that a person lacks faith. I see it as a blessed help to those that would otherwise drown without it. Also, how I approach depression in a believer may be different than in a non-believer. Apart from Christ, deliverance or healing from depression is much less likely than being in Christ. So, I might be more likely to start medication in a non-believer, all things being otherwise equal, because their hope for symptomatic improvement without it is less than a believer who has hope in Christ.

In my opinion, some cases of depression may very well be amenable to treatment by an insightful, compassionate and skilled Christian counselor. Other, more severe cases may need to be in the hands of a trained counselor, be it a social worker, licensed therapist, etc. In my office, my wife works as a counselor. Her social work training, combined with her spiritual understanding, makes her a powerful tool in the life of a Christian suffering from these issues. Even she, however, has to refer on patients that may be dealing with, say, alcohol and drug abuse. I think that counseling on Christian ideas has merit, and traditional counseling has merit as well. Combined, the two are phenomenal in the life of a believer. To simply write depression off as failure to properly apply spiritual principles, or worse yet to sin, is to do injustice to the person suffering from depression. My wife has had a certain degree of success with non-believers, as much as might be expected, but truly exceptional results only occur when the Spirit of God brings enlightenment to the believer’s heart, accomplishing in seconds what might otherwise take years to accomplish with counseling alone. The key to this process is understanding that there is no cookie cutter. What “works” for one person may not “work” for the next. The counselor can not put unrealistic expectations on the counselee (although the counselor sometimes has to nudge the counselee along at times, gently, in love). Another key, as Dan has mentioned, is that the person with depression must have unwavering support and love from their family. Finally, the person with depression has to be willing to deal with painful issues, while at the same time not fixating on the same things, permanently. Sometimes, I know, those old record players are hard to turn off in our heads.

So, having discussed all this, the last question I will ask and answer is this: What part does faith play in dealing with depression? Is faith simply a tool to help us live with depression, or can it be a tool to help us out of depression? In my opinion, faith can be what leads us out of depression, but it must first lead us through our current circumstances. Let me explain better.

“Without faith it is impossible to please God”. This quote is so true. I believe that faith moves God. God wants us to learn to walk as mature sons and daughters, and mature sons and daughters walk in faith. Simply put, God just wants us to believe that what He said is true! Now, this is all very simple sounding in theory, but the practical application ends up being anything but that. If we had total faith, we would have no sickness, no depression, no financial lack, etc. But who among us has total faith? I sure don’t. So, where does that leave us? It leaves us seeking Him. It leaves us on the journey towards eternity, towards resurrection, the end of which we will likely never see in this life. There is no magic potion to get enough faith to be delivered from depression. We can’t muster it up by listening to Christian music, reading Christian books or even by just reading the bible. So, even though I believe that faith is the key to deliverance from depression, we must still walk it out. You see, where my charismatic roots steered me wrong (among other things) was in the failure to understand that it is OK to NOT HAVE ENOUGH FAITH FOR A GIVEN TASK!! It was also wrong in that, as a charismatic, I sought after the healing, instead of seeking the healer. Matthew 6, starting around vs. 26, makes it clear that we are to seek God first, and all these things (in that case food and clothing) will be added to us. I believe that this principle applies here as well, that if we seek Christ, the Spirit of God will transform us into His image, eventually bringing healing to the areas that need it. The beautiful part about this is that it obviates the necessity to live back through every painful circumstance we have ever lived through, as traditional counseling seems so prone to do. As stated previously, this process can accomplish in seconds what traditional treatment may never accomplish (analogous to pulling all the squares off the Rubik’s cube and fixing it that way). All this being said, there is still no cookie cutter. I can’t say “just seek God and He will heal you”. I think we have to avail ourselves to what modern medicine and counseling have to offer, as appropriate, take advantage of the support of our loved ones, and trust Him to sustain us in the hard times. I also think that we must not lose sight of our ultimate goal, to be delivered. We must realize, however, that just as Abraham waited 10 years (by my calculation) from the initial promise of a son to the birth of Isaac, the journey from here to recovery may take awhile, it will probably be hard and it will likely be painful. Along the way, however, we will find ourselves walking as Sons and Daughters in the Kingdom, learning more and more to walk in faith, growing ever and ever closer to our dear Savior and looking and acting more like Him (see 2 Corinthians 3:18). The end result of the pain is incredible beauty in the life of the believer.

After writing all of the above, can I offer an easy solution to someone in the throes of depression and angst? No. I can not. The things I have written are guidelines I believe are true, but there is no 12-step program to freedom. Sometimes, when I am fighting these issues, I have to continually speak the truth of the Word to myself, to combat the illogical thoughts that come against me. Some days I win, some days I lose. The overall theme, to me, is that we must endeavor to keep Him foremost in our thoughts, as much as possible. Again, some days we’ll succeed, and some days we’ll fail. In the end, if we persist, if we don’t lose heart, we will overcome, because He has already overcome for us!

As I’ve spent the last two months caring for my new baby boy I’ve had occasion to reflect on my relationship to him, and how that correlates to my relationship with my heavenly Father.  I’ve gleaned some interesting truths that I’d like to share.

Evan appears to deal with acid reflux, an issue that is not uncommon in newborn babies.  As such, when he is hungry, at times he will fight the bottle, because the act of eating or sucking can worsen his symptoms.  Even apart from any reflux symptoms, the fact that he is a baby means that he doesn’t really willfully control his hands, and sometimes in his impatience to eat will slap the bottle away, or move his head back and forth, making it hard to even give him what he so desperately wants!  In my flesh I tend to get frustrated, thinking, “Evan, I am trying to help you.  Quit fighting me!”.  On one occasion, that thought went through my head, and then the father reminded me of my own situation.

If you have read my recent posts on faith you know about my struggles to learn to trust Him that He is working on my behalf.  How often in the last few months have I shaken my head at him, or beat the air in my impatience to get what I wanted?  Am I really any more than a spiritual baby, or at most a toddler, especially when it comes to trusting my Father?  It certainly makes me wonder, and it certainly helps me see Him in a different light, as I see things more from His perspective, seeing how I feel about my son.

This is part 4 of an ongoing series on faith, and what has turned out to be much more a journey than a topic, per se.  In my last post I discussed the nature of faith, and how it must start with knowing the will of God, and then knowing how to pursue the will of God.  After that, we must step out and act on what He has shown us, and trust that He will do what He said He would.  In the last 2 months I have learned a lot of points on walking out my faith, and I wanted to share my testimony here in case it would be a help to someone else.  After that, in my next post, I want to touch on why it is so important that we walk in faith, and why this has become such a big topic for me.  First, though, for my testimony.

I moved to Larned, where I now live, about 5 1/2 years ago, and began working at a hospital-owned clinic.  I did that for about 2 1/2 years.  In that 2 1/2 years my wife and I stepped out in faith and opened a retail shop in town, a combination coffee shop/scrapbook store.  Of course, that endeavor took a lot of our time and money.  In November 2007 I started doing extra work in an Emergency Room an hour away, to help support our own debt load, and to help support the store.  By the following January circumstances had transpired such that I quit my job, and started my own clinic, which opened in February of 2008.  I continued working in the ER full-time, in addition to working my own clinic, for the next 2 years or more.  Fast forward to 2010, which found me working at an ER closer to home, and doing a 24 hour shift every Thursday, and 48 hours in a weekend, one weekend per month.  By August or September Tayleene and I independently began to feel that it was time to give up the weekends.  We both felt that that season was to be over, but that in the natural it would continue until we decided to put an end to it.  We also were planning for the birth of our second baby in December, and I didn’t want to be gone from home as much.  We finally decided, in October, that my last weekend would be November, and after that I would only work my Thursdays.

Bear in mind, I still was not (and still am not) drawing a salary from my clinic.  Neither was my wife drawing a salary from the shop.  In fact, we were still having to put money into that business to keep things afloat.  So, in the natural, we had no business cutting back on our hours, but both of us knew this was the direction we were to take.   So, I gave notice and we “braced for impact” so to speak.

Ironically, this was a very similar situation to the one we were in when I first began ER work initially.  At that time I knew that the Lord would provide our needs, and part of me wanted to step out of the boat and let the Lord supply, but at the end of the day we decided to work extra to meet our needs.  Looking back on that scenario I do not regret my decision, as my faith was very fledgling at that time, and I still had a lot of fear and anxiety pent up on the inside.  I have no doubt that the Lord would’ve taken care of us, but it would’ve been an extremely difficult test, much more difficult than the test that awaited me this time around, and I don’t think I had the understanding to walk it out the way I did this time around.  The cycles and seasons of the Lord continue to amaze me!

So, as I said, I gave notice to my employer, and waited for the change to take place.  Initially things were fine, but of course I was still getting paid for past work.  By the first part of December, however, everything hit, and it hit all at once, and it hit hard.  One second I was feeling confident in my faith, that He would care for my needs, next minute (almost literally, it was over the span of 10-15 minutes as I paid bills one Sunday afternoon) facing thousands of dollars in bills that I didn’t have the money for, and internally was beginning to “freak out”.  Now, this is where the Mark of 2010 differed from the Mark of 2007.  In 2007 I don’t think I would’ve had the understanding, faith or strength to continue to stand, in spite of what I saw, and I think I would’ve “freaked”.  This time, I was able to begin standing on the word, knowing that He would supply.  In my mind I feared.  In my mind I felt guilty and condemned, especially as overdrafts began piling in (another thing I learned quickly, or rather relearned, is the art of balancing a checkbook, something I had not been faithful at prior to that).  In my heart, however, I knew the promises.  “My God will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory”.  “He has given us all things that pertain to life and Godliness”.  “It is He that gives seed to the sower and bread for food”.  And, of course, Matthew 6:26-34, the verse that made me realize that, in reality, these issues were small potatoes in the Lord’s eyes, and that my focus could not be continually on money, but must be directed to seeking Christ and His kingdom.  There was also the story of the fish with the coin in its mouth, further proof that this isn’t a big deal!  I would read the Old Testament with renewed eyes, seeing the miracles performed through much different eyes, realizing that, “my God is powerful, majestic, awe-inspiring and undeniable!”  How could such a God fail me?

In the initial two weeks or so of this process I kept looking for the quick fix.  I saw no hope for meeting the needs I had in my natural resources, so surely the Lord was going to have to use someone to dump a bunch of money in my lap, right?  The problem with that idea is that, then, my faith would’ve been in that gift, and not see that gift as the Lord’s provision.  Through the mentoring of a good friend, I realized that this issue is a process.  I realized that I didn’t have a money problem, I had a faith problem.  Could the Lord meet my need suddenly?  Absolutely.  Did I possess the faith to operate in that manner?  Absolutely not!  So, I had to have faith in the small things, and I had to become more efficient from a natural perspective.  Instead of burying my head in the sand at the stack of bills, a tendency of mine due to my own anxiety and fear, I had to face the issue head on.  I had to contact my creditors, and make arrangements for future repayment.  I had to cut back on spending, personally and in both businesses, that wasn’t vital.  Through it all, the Lord used the situation to address a lot of OTHER issues BESIDES faith.  I’ll hopefully post more on that  concept later.

It is now almost two months since I cut back my ER hours.  I still have some large bills.  I still am having to pinch a lot of pennies that I ultimately don’t want to pinch (buying new product for the store, etc.).  But, the Lord has given me favor with creditors.  A LOT of favor!  I am closer to being out of the hole now than I was.  I think the story that really explains it all to me is the 3 Hebrew children and the fiery furnace.  The three were faithful in their pursuit of their God, and it got them in trouble!  This is proof that life in Christ is not a bed of roses in the natural.  The king threatened them with the fiery furnace, and God didn’t keep them from that.  God did, however, protect them from the fire, and when they came out they didn’t even smell of smoke!  What a powerful testimony to the king.  This proves that, when we learn to walk in faith and trust in our God, times that are hard in the natural don’t need to be hard in Christ.  Although I am not at that point now, it gives me a reference point of what CAN and/or WILL be, as I continue to walk in Him.  The other thing my good friend pointed out is the correlation between the purity of our witness and the smoke from the fire.  If I continue to conduct my business as He is teaching me to, when I come through this fire my witness will be intact, and that is what I desire.  I don’t want my lack of faith or diligence to reflect poorly on Him.

Well, this pretty much gets us current, for the most part.  There maybe some ancillary lessons I have learned along the way, but I shared some of that here, and didn’t expect to.  I hope that this story is beneficial to somebody, and I’ll continue to post as new developments occur.

I’ve intended to complete my series on faith, started oh so long ago, and this is my attempt to at least bring you up to speed with where I am at this juncture of my life.  You see, I thought I had a certain level of understanding, and that a limited series would be able to explain that.  How foolish of me to not realize that knowledge and understanding are ever changing, and that a finite series could never contain what He builds within us.  Also, as I’ve walked this last month and a half, I’ve realized how everything in Christ is interconnected, and walking in faith touches on so many other topics.  So, as has been said so often, life is about the journey, and as this is, after all, a blog, I will have to share the journey as I go, as my understanding is ever-changing.  So, on to faith!

I concluded my last post on faith by stating, in so many words, that faith starts with belief, quoting Genesis 15:6.  I will pick up from there, as it is a good starting point.

Kenneth Hagan once said, or so I am told he said, “Faith begins where the will of God is known”.  Although I don’t follow all of what Kenneth Hagan taught, and actually haven’t read much of what he taught, I love this statement.  In order to walk in faith we must know the will of God.  Knowing His will may come through our study of scripture.  Eric at “A Pilgim’s Progress” is a great example of this.  After spending a number of years as a pastor in a Southern Baptist church, his study of scripture led him to believe that his position was unscriptural, and he took a step of faith, obeyed his convictions and quit that job.  Other times, we may be led by the Holy Spirit within us to do a certain thing, or the Lord may speak to us through a brother or sister.  In some cases, our understanding may be imperfect, and we may act on something that we thought was of Him, only to find out later that it was not.  These are growing pains, as at some point in our lives we must step out in faith and begin trying to walk in His direction.  We will not always be right, but He will always be gracious to us as we learn to walk (much like a little baby, who makes missteps, falls down and stumbles into things).  The bottom line is that our walk of faith must start with knowing, or believing we know, His will.

Once we come to this point, the next step is to act.  Now, here is where a lot of people, myself included, get tripped up.  On more than one occasion I have seen His will, and in my haste to see it come to pass ran willy nilly in trying to carry it out, and failed to seek the “how” to go along with the “what”.  The results have been miserable, with much wasted time and much wasted energy, and on at least one occasion, much heartache that wouldn’t have been necessary had I been more patient and diligent.

So, having sought His will in WHAT to do, and having sought His will in HOW to do it, we then must step out in faith, and do what we must in the natural to see that plan or that thing come to pass.  For Eric, again using him as an example, he had to take the step of faith and quit his job.  For me, acting meant I started a business, and later another.  We obviously have to do our part to accomplish what He directs.

Now, here comes the hard part, at least for me.  Usually, once we take that step of faith, and do as the Lord directed, the enemy will come and attempt to distract us or discourage us.  (My apologies to those who find references to Satan as “the enemy” to be comical, naive or immature.  I do feel very strongly that Satan works hard against those that are attempting to walk out the will of God in their lives.  Although there can be normal hard times that are not a product of “enemy action”, I firmly believe that he specifically attacks us in attempts to dissuade us from walking.)  All manner of things may go wrong, once we step out of the proverbial boat and try to walk on the proverbial waves.  Peter, in this respect, is a great example for us.  Peter succeeded, in that he did what no other mortal man has ever done, he walked on water.  Peter only failed because he allowed his faith in Jesus to be overcome by his perception of his surroundings, by the “waves boisterous”.  This brings me to my next point:  we must see the word of God (and this will not always be the bible, per se, but sometimes rather the words He has given us internally) as the ultimate authority and the ultimate truth.  The truth of the word of God must be more real to us than what we perceive with our natural senses.

OK, so this is where the rubber meets the road.  This is the meat of what I want to share, and I touched on this some in Part 2. There is a tendency, especially in those from the Word of Faith movement, to feel like our faith has to be rock solid at all times, and to not have adequate faith is to fail, or to make a “Plan B” shows a lack of faith.  And with that failure comes a fair amount of shame, because “you didn’t have enough faith”.  There is also a tendency to think we can “muster up” faith when we need it.  For instance, if I read enough scripture (because after all, “faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God), pray long or loud enough or listen to enough tapes I can suddenly increase my faith to accomplish the seeming impossible right now!  Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, this is not the case.  From my limited, but growing, experience with this, sometimes when we step out in faith, our faith may not actually be sufficient to complete the task, at that time.  As such, we may experience a period of time where things look rocky (like Peter and the waves), where we aren’t seeing the fullness of what we expected to see.  It is in these times that doubt tries to creep in, and tell us that we missed God, or that we don’t have enough faith, or that we’re stupid for having tried such a thing.  It is in these times also that we must keep His words before us, and trust that He won’t fail us.  It is in these times that we must stand.

Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.          (Ephesians 6:13)

As I’ve stated before, I love Hebrews 11, the whole chapter.  These saints saw something in their hearts that they NEVER saw with their physical eyes, and yet they believed until the day they died. Hebrews 11, starting with verse 13, says:

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.¹⁴For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own.  ¹⁵And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. ¹⁶But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.

Unlike these Old Testament saints, we are the heirs of the promises, the ones who have seen and will see their fulfillment.  But like these saints, we must approach the Lord with the same tenacity, with the same refusal to go back, with the same refusal to NOT settle for anything but what He has promised.  The Kingdom of God operates on the principle of faith, and if we don’t learn to walk in that we will never approach the glory, individually or corporately, that He calls us to.

Well, this at least catches things up some.  I will hopefully write the next installment this weekend, giving my personal testimony in this regard, and giving some practical guidance on how this is lived out in our daily lives.

God bless!

Well, I got the CME’s done, and am still licensed to practice medicine.  Now I am trying to dig myself out from the avalanche that fell while I wasn’t  paying attention!  Charts, messages, paperwork, financial management issues, the list goes on.

“Lord, I don’t have time to get these things done, and I am having trouble finding time to spend with you, studying your word.”

That was my mindset until several days ago, while listening to a Hillsong United song, “Savior, King”.  Awesome powerful song, if you want to listen to it.

The pertinent part is in the first verse, and says the following:

“And let the poor, stand and confess, that my portion is Him, and I’m more than blessed”.

I have listened to this song many times in the last few weeks.  In fact, if you haven’t heard Hillsong United’s “The I Heart Revolution” you should check it out.  Very powerful music, and the Lord has done much in my heart lately through this music.  Anyway, I’ve heard this song, and taken note of the above lyrics, but that night it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  The busy-ness in my life will always be there, and will always prevent me from seeking Him, and His kingdom.  Before I explain I want to step back a bit.

After leaving the church I went through a long period of time where I was not allowed to study the bible.  My problem was that I always approached it intellectually, trying to figure things out.  God had to take me through a period of cleansing, so that I could approach His word from a standpoint of weakness, so that He could reveal truth to me.  Once I did begin to feel the stirring to read, I often times found myself busy doing the things required to accomplish the works I felt (and still feel) He had instructed me to do (starting two kingdom-oriented business).  At that time, not studying was permitted by the Holy Spirit, and He continued to lead me further day by day into Christ.  Lately, for the past few months, I’ve had an understanding that He is calling me into even greater commitment, and understanding that, to complete the season He has me in now will take greater dedication and greater sacrifice than the previous season.  So, having understood that for several months, the lyrics above finally cemented what He had been working in my heart, and I finally understood.

You see, I’ve been busy doing His work, doing what He has instructed me to do.  But this one thing I’ve learned:  doing things for God, even things that He’s instructed us to do, is no excuse to not SEEK Him.  Hearing those words “My portion is Him” made me realize that all the trappings of the works He’s had me do are meaningless if I am not pursuing Christ actively.  Those works will lose their power if I don’t keep them His, and keep them in their place.  The work can never take the place of the one who called us to the work.

I now understand that I must seek Christ first and foremost.  I MUST KNOW Christ.  He is my portion.  He is my inheritance.  He is my reward and my prize.  He is all that I ever wanted, and all that I’ll ever need.  I have vocalized an understanding of the central importance of Christ in the past, but now am beginning to really understand just how central He is.  Christ is everything!

The next step and latest step in the process has been reading Philippians 3.  Philippians 3:7-11 especially.  Paul talks about how all things are rubbish compared to the value of knowing Christ, and I meditate on that frequently now.  Verse 8 says “and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ”.  To me this means that if I am not counting all things as rubbish, I will not gain Christ.  Even my beloved coffee must be considered rubbish, as I fear it holds an unhealthy place in my life (I  imagine I will one day drink again, but for now I feel I am to give it up).

So, this is where I am….transitioning.  The day where this all came to a head was a difficult day.  I was stirred by the Holy Spirit to approach my life differently, but was still controlled by the daily demands, and the two were not co-existing well.  Once I set down and talked things out with my wife, the Spirit took the greater prominence, and the pressure eased.  I am still journeying in this manner, but the understanding gained is crucial as I now begin walking it out.

I recently posted something on my facebook profile, and I thought it was important to post it here, because to me it is a major issue for Christians today.  In reality, it is probably not a black and white issue, but more like a scale, where we can tend towards one or the other, and move either way as we mature or digress.  Anyway, here is the statement:

We need a change in mindset. We need to allow God to shape and order our lives in accordance with His eternal purpose, instead of trying to incorporate God into our life as it is. He is calling us to so much more than we can even imagine, but we have to open our hearts to that greater calling, and be willing to go where the grass doesn’t appear green.

I want to give some background behind this statement, and how it has applied to my life:

Three years ago I was working as an employed doctor, in a hospital owned practice, employed by an organization that was more concerned about money than patient care.  I became frustrated, and finally tired of fighting the system and decided that something had to change.  I had multiple options, and at one point decided to quit Family Medicine altogether, and work full-time in the ER.  It would pay better, require less hours, and thus result in a better quality of life for me and my family.  There was a part of me that didn’t want to do that, because the thing I love most about medicine is the relational aspect of it, and you lose this in the Emergency Room.

During this time, my wife and I sought direction from the Lord.  I wanted my life to be in line with His plan, and this was obviously a major life decision.  One night, while we were lounging in our jacuzzi tub, the answer came.  I was to take part of the building we had just procured for our other business, and turn it into a clinic and practice out of that.  Doing this would mean I would have to work without call coverage, and basically be on call 24/7.  It would also require that I not only work full-time for the clinic, but that I would also have to work full-time in the ER, in order to pay the bills.  In November of 2007 I started working in the ER in Dodge City, KS, after not working in any ER for almost 2 1/2 years.  In January I quit my job and by late February my clinic was open.  It has been 2 1/2 years now since the opening.  I still do not draw a salary, I still work in the ER, but my clinic is growing and we are nearing the fruition of our hard work.  Now, the point here is not to brag about how hard I work, as I am only able to do it by His grace, and there were many other reasons He had me take this path (one of which was to reveal and overcome what turned out to be a pretty severe anxiety problem.  God is efficient in His working!).  The point I am making is that I could’ve taken the path that made sense from a natural perspective.  I could’ve made more money and had more time with my family by changing to ER work exclusively.  However, the Lord had other plans, and thus I embarked on what has been the greatest journey of my life.  During this time I learned a lot about myself, learned a lot about Him, and have learned more about faith than I ever thought I would.  I will, by the way, get to Part 2 on faith, hopefully soon.  The journey has been lonely to a certain extent, because the positions I have taken on issues in the community pertaining to healthcare have been unpopular, so we have been at odds with the powers that be, and even had lies spread about us in the community.  It turned out that the right path was the harder path, small surprise given what we see from Christ’s example.

So, this brings me to my statement.  The Lord brought me to a jump-off point in my walk with Him.  He brought me to a place where I had to make a decision to follow His direction, or to choose to follow conventional wisdom and do what seemed right to me.  By His grace I chose to follow Him, in a way radically different than I had ever followed Him before.  It required continued, implicit trust in His plan and provision, and it is the best decision I ever made, apart from my decision to follow Him in the first place.  Previously I had been comfortable in my life.  I lived it as I thought best, and although there was a general sense of wanting to follow His direction, I still, to a certain extent, incorporated Him into the life I had built.  I believe God is calling us to forsake everything for His calling.  This may result in job changes, or loss of friends (even Christian friends), but we HAVE to be willing to forsake all for the sake of Him, and His eternal purposes.  Since making the jump He has used my wife and I to build a foundation of the kingdom in our community, and I sense in my spirit that major changes are in store for us, and our community, all by His grace and working.

Like Paul stated, I do not count myself has having fully achieved the fullness of this idea.  There are still parts of my life that are not given over, and I have made some major mistakes in the past 3 years, some of which I will financially pay for for the next 4-5 years, and have paid for emotionally for the past 2 years.  These mistakes were made because I didn’t, in these areas, endeavor to seek His specific direction, and instead did what seemed right to me.  He is gracious, however, and has provided for me and my family in spite of these things.

I believe that life is cyclical.  The Lord has a direction He wants us to go, and if we miss it, He will cycle us back to give us a chance again, and again, and again!  He is so patient!  I encourage all of us to have our spiritual ears attuned to when He may be bringing us to a jumping off point, and have the courage to trust Him to take the jump.

Like I said in yesterday’s post, since attending the conference there is something stirring on the inside of me.  As stated, I haven’t fully processed all of it to know exactly where He is leading me or showing me.  What I do understand is that there is an even greater purpose than becoming like Christ.  We are certainly to grow into maturity in Christ, but as we do that, what changes?  Once we are matured in Christ, and have achieved the fulness of Him, what happens then?

I now more clearly understand that God has a purpose in the earth.  I have mentally assented this point for some time, and understood it in a limited fashion in my spirit for a shorter period of time.  Now, however, I more fully see that there is a grand plan.  On the cross Jesus secured His victory over the enemy.  The whole world legally belongs to Christ, but for whatever reason He has allowed Satan to maintain control.  I can not give chapter and verse at this point, but I believe He has done this, because he wants to work out that victory in the earth through us.  He has chosen to use us in His master plan, only we haven’t cooperated.  We’ve been too busy playing church to get busy with the work of the kingdom.  From Paul’s writing I believe he thought that the end of this age would come in his lifetime, or shortly after.  I do not think he anticipated it taking 2000 plus years, and I don’t think it needs to have taken this long.  Satan is cunning, however, and has consistently thwarted the plans of God, and we, God’s instrument on the earth, have let him.  I see through this how very patient God is.  He could’ve wrapped this thing up Himself, but he had chosen, from the foundation of the earth, to use us in His eternal purpose, to bring about the defeat of the enemy.  It is time for the church, the body of Christ, to get SERIOUS about our place in the kingdom.  It is time that we let the trappings of this life fall to the side, and focus our minds and hearts fully on Him.  2 Chronicles 16:9 says:

“For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.”

Psalm 149 says:

¹Praise the LORD!
Sing to the LORD a new song,
And His praise in the congregation of the godly ones.
²Let Israel be glad in his Maker;
Let the sons of Zion rejoice in their King.
³Let them praise His name with dancing;
Let them sing praises to Him with timbrel and lyre.
⁴For the LORD takes pleasure in His people;
He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.
⁵Let the godly ones exult in glory;
Let them sing for joy on their beds.
⁶Let the high praises of God be in their mouth,
And a two-edged sword in their hand,
⁷To execute vengeance on the nations
And punishment on the peoples,
⁸To bind their kings with chains
And their nobles with fetters of iron,
⁹To execute on them the judgment written;
This is an honor for all His godly ones.
Praise the LORD!

I do not believe that the nations mentioned in this Psalm are physical nations.  Ephesians 6:10-12 makes it clear who our enemies are.  I think we need to see this more as a war, and in Ephesians 6 Paul seems to treat it as such.

I am speaking to myself in this post.  There is so much in Him that we don’t understand, and I think part of the problem is that we don’t see the big picture.  We need to understand that God has a purpose in the earth, and the ultimate purpose is to supplant the kingdom of Satan with the Kingdom of God.  The more I see the truth of His ultimate purpose, the less this world means to me, and the more willing I am to forsake all and follow Him.  It really is THAT simple, if we can just see it!

So, here’s the summary of all my thoughts for these two posts.  We need to practice a model of mutual edification in the body, as we’ve discussed before.  We have to go beyond that, however, and commit ourselves fully to His purposes, being willing to give up all we have to see that purpose accomplished.  I am not implying that I have arrived in this respect, because I have not.  However, I believe that the more we die to ourselves, and allow His purposes to reign in our lives, the more we will accomplish towards His purposes, and the closer we will be to the end of the age.  As one brother said at the end of the conference, “Let’s get this thing wrapped up!”  We can’t do it apart from Christ, but Christ has chosen NOT to do it apart from us!  The ball is in our court, I believe.

As always, I welcome comments or criticisms of my thoughts here.  I do not claim to have it all figured out, and I find definite value in what the Lord is showing others.  Thanks to Alan and Dan for their active questioning, as these two posts mentioned previously sparked some of this in my heart.

Peace to all of you

Mark

A lot has been going through my mind since attending the worship conference.  It is interesting to look back at the notes that I took, and the things that I learned, and realize that the impact of the experience goes way beyond the sum total of all I learned there.  There was a very specific impartation there, which has put my mind to thinking in a different manner.  I feel that in the next month or two I will come to some new understanding on things, compared to how I see now, and that is why I am putting a date on this post title.  I believe the impact of that will be far-reaching, and want to reserve the right to return to that at any point!

I want to give links to the first two posts regarding the conference.  For some reason the Day 2 post had a pretty high readership, but either no one, or virtually no one, read the first post, or at least as far as I can tell.  There were some thoughts in the first post that were ground-breaking for me, so I wanted to share both links again, in case anyone missed the first one.

Worship Is Death

This will probably be short, we’ll see what I have time for.  Its been busy in the ER all day, and I’m trying to get a bunch of charts signed off, so I guess priorities must take precedence!

We didn’t have bible study last night, so nothing to report.  Instead my wife and I ate Mexican and watched a taping of “The Next Food Network Star”.  Then we went to bed early.  Our 4 year old fell asleep in our bed, and there is nothing like your kid falling asleep next to you.  In fact, there is something magical about sleeping kids in general!

Best of…

I’ve not had much chance to read this week.  Here’s what I have come across:

I’ll start with my best of selections:

Meditating on the Law | The Ekklesia in Southern Maine.

Unity in My Terms | The Ekklesia in Southern Maine

subversive1: A PROFOUND MYSTERY.  I could really include 3-4 posts from Keith Giles in this list, but I’ll keep it to this one, and you can follow the link and read the rest for yourselves.